Right hand turns can be tricky.. OR Riding in a Russian Hearse…your choice

I’ve always been cheap, and the opportunity to visit two European cities for $500 was hard to resist. That was round trip airfare, lodging, ground transportation and meals. No matter that the cities were Moscow and Leningrad… and it was Winter. What could go wrong?

So back in the 1970’s when “detente” with the Soviet Union made it possible, my Dad and I leaped on a Pan Am 707 and headed East.

We got to our hotel… the nearly new Rossiya. For those of you less versed in the language, “nearly new” is Russian for “almost complete”.

The bar wasn’t finished… and we wanted a drink and were told that the nearest available adult beverage was in the historic Metropole Hotel. While no taxis were available, “arrangements could be made”.

We wandered outside and were picked up by... a hearse.

The driver worked for a funeral home, and moonlighted by transporting people around in a state-owned hearse. After a drive so long and convoluted that we thought we were in a spy movie… he dropped us at the Metropole. A bit nervous about getting back to our hotel, we asked him to wait… and shaking his head, he nodded across Red Square… pointing to the Rossiya, which was visible only a few blocks away

Apparently Moscow, like some European cities, didn’t permit left turns, so we’d meandered several kilometers and numerous right turns.. to travel a couple of blocks as the crow flies.

And that’s how I learned that left turns are different than right. Each has it’s charms and perils. Left turns have that nasty oncoming traffic, which may be why Europe dislikes them so much.

Turn to the right and it’s a different kettle of fish. Drive axles seem lethargic, and take a serious short cut. Rear duals may be lazy, but they’re mean, flattening unwary people or cars that get in their way. If that wasn’t tricky enough... getting a 45’ bus around a tight turn means that the rear end is swinging outside the dual wheels’ track. This multitasking allows a clever coach to wreak havoc on both sides at once.

In an effort to protect pedestrians some cities (New York in particular) are being extremely aggressive in enforcing all sorts of traffic laws. It has reached the point where, in the event of an accident the coach driver is often presumed guilty. At least one was hauled off to jail… for an accident where it was later determined that the victim had ignored traffic signals and wandered into the bus’s path. That may be a bit over the top, but avoiding accidents seems like a good thing.

There are a couple of things that can help, and pointing out stuff you already know... makes me look smart.

Know what bus you’re driving. Different wheelbases and how sharply the steering axle turns make a difference in how you set up a turn. Does the tag axle steer? (if so, your rear bumper may range farther looking for prey) Mixing new 30’ and 35’ coaches into a fleet means the first few turns might require a bit of thought.

Take attendance… as you set up the turn scan the sidewalk for potential victims. The inattentive ones are easiest. A gaggle of texting teens wearing ear-buds is a target rich environment. Use your directional signals, this isn’t “Hunger Games”, so play fair.

Modern coaches have remotely adjusted mirrors… use those jewels. In congested areas, aim them to cover the most dangerous areas. You can’t eliminate blind spots, but you can move them to less relevant points. Use BOTH mirrors, don’t forget that the left corner of a 45’ bus swings outside the radius, and can do some serious booty bashing.

When you swing wide, cars and pedestrians sometimes try to cut inside your track (WHAT are they thinking?). I have no idea what to do… just reminding you that it happens.

If you misjudge the turn, and have to back, know what’s behind you. HATE those mystery crunches.

Go slow. It gives you more time to spot lurking solid objects, and offers the distracted and infirm a sporting chance to scurry out of the way. Take time to enjoy watching them scramble… we old guys are particularly entertaining.

Riding through Moscow we were surprised at how carefully and smoothly our driver negotiated the streets, scrupulously obeying traffic laws. Eventually we realized that was because he was terrified of the consequences of a traffic stop. How could he explain that the guys in the back of his hearse were.. ALIVE?

It’s tempting to do a sequel to this column. Left turns deserve some respect too. After careful consideration there seems no demand (or even tolerance) on the part of the industry for that.